living life anti-blah

The Hiatus is Over.

2010-12-02T22:43:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, without realizing it, three months can pass by. Not because nothing significant happens, but because life is just too damned overwhelming.

I didn't mean to have the past three months go undocumented. But it did. I had to take a hiatus from every single social networking site. That's right, I had to. September, October, and November were the most significant, yet overwhelming months for me in New York. However, I'm not going to give an update on those. I would just be overwhelming myself yet again. Ain't gonna happen.

So here we are in December. A lot of people look to January to get their fresh start, new beginning, or whatever they want to call it. I'm getting a head start with December. I've moved into a real, big-girl NYC apartment. I have a job that allows me to stay there. I've got a plan to get my health and career back on track. This is seriously significant.

Now I'm not going to pretend that I'm going to be fantastic at blogging -- let's get real. I never was. That being said, I have a lot of fabulous things to look forward to and I need to see that right now...and in the future. Blogging will be my way of documenting all these wonderful things.

Because it's at the forefront of my mind and clouding up much of my thoughts, I'm going to put it out there. Relationships. Not any type of relationship in particular...just relationships in general. They are mighty complicated. They require time and attention. And if they are important to you, you will nurture them. If you don't take the time to tend to a relationship, then clearly it isn't all that important to you. Maybe one might go as far to say that perhaps it is important to you, just not at this time. This is where it gets tricky. Now, I'm thinking of one relationship in particular in my own life. It's the one I *sorta* have with my brothers.

Last year, I went to Japan to prove to my brothers that they too can do anything they put their minds to; however, I feel like they don't do things that show they are living up to their full potential. This is so hard for me to witness because I know they are both so smart. So much smarter than me. Seriously. These kids are so bright that it hurts for me to know that they aren't doing what they could be doing. Now, I'm not saying they need to be rocket scientists or anything, but at least doing something that they are good at, passionate about, and makes them proud of themselves.

I have backed off from communicating with them. Some of that does have to do with the heartache I feel when I talk to them. And part of it is because I have had to be so wrapped up in my own life just trying to get my life together. At this point, I can honestly say that I am disappointed with my lack of attention to them and our relationship. I am now in December where things are starting to come together slowly, but surely...and I am now in a place where I am willing and able to put in the time and attention. And now, I just need to do it.

Another type of relationship that has me baffled is romantic relationships. Geez, I could write a novel about my thoughts and confusion, and thoughts on the confusion, but I'm too exhausted to even go there. But it is one that I need to spend more time thinking about -- once I'm up to it.

Relationships are complicated and I think the most difficult one of all is the one we must have with ourselves. That's the one that we base all of our relationships upon. Lately, I've found myself saying things like, "I'm awesome" with a somewhat sarcastic tone, but I do mean it. Deep down, I know I am awesome. (Bad days aside.) And anyone who is in my life knows it too. And more than that, they are pretty awesome themselves. If someone isn't awesome or doesn't know how awesome I am, they won't be around very long. A lesson I learned from a relationship that started in November. It's too early to tell, but from what I can discern, they don't know how awesome I am and haven't proven to be awesome either. I'm doubtful they'll be around much longer unless that changes. Harsh? I don't think so. Really.

Think about it. If someone doesn't appreciate you and doesn't bring anything to the table themselves, why would they be in your life? Exactly...they wouldn't. Or rather, shouldn't. Perhaps it's the exhaustion or something else talking, but in order to want the best in and around your life, you need to know you are worth it. And although this year has taken it's toll on my relationship with myself, the progress I made in Japan has stuck around a little...enough so that I know I need and deserve awesome people and relationships. And that's pretty kick-ass.

Anti-Blah Behaviors

2010-08-29T17:27:00.002-04:00

In order to consider yourself living your life anti-blah, you have to adhere to some particular behaviors. Not as a rule per se, but as a given.

The very first one is not having passive-aggressive tendencies. Using passive-aggressive ways at reacting toward others and their behaviors is the very opposite of being anti-blah. Essentially, do and say as you feel, but maintain a certain level of awareness to whom you are talking to (or around) as the case may be. This isn't to say use censorship, but rather, kindness. You can address an issue head-on without being, for lack of a better word, a bitch. But, being passive-aggressive about things doesn't help anyone out, especially yourself. So, don't give people the cold shoulder or ignore them or say vague things. Just speak your mind and try not to hurt other people's feelings.

The second very important AB behavior (that really comes from the first one) is don't bottle things up. That is absolutely the worst thing you can do. It festers and festers and then you may forget to use kindness when you (wo)man-up and finally address what's been bothering you. More people get hurt or offended if you don't follow this "rule." Try not to be like most people.

And finally, there is a difference between venting and whining. Learn it. Venting is healthy and helpful. If something is bugging you, get it out. (This also goes back to the second AB behavior.) Usually a good (fellow AB) friend will listen to you without judgement and will allow you to vent. When it gets tricky is when you are complaining, i.e. whining. Unfortunately there isn't a cut and dry way to address the differences between venting and whining, which makes it tough to say "don't whine." But if you feel like the people around you are beginning to get annoyed or even if you are tired of hearing yourself speak of the same things over and over -- it's probably a good sign that it's whining.

I will not pretend to say that I feel I've mastered these behaviors (or if anyone has, or can), but being aware of things that make you a person who is really living a life without blah is a great idea. You know that old saying, practice makes perfect? It's worth heeding that advice. If you can avoid passive-aggressive behaviors, speak your mind and not bottle things up as often as possible, and be a person who vents, not whines, then you can live a life without blah.

Another way to look at it, is be self-aware and mindful of others. And adjust your behaviors accordingly.

WWYD?

2010-08-25T22:08:00.002-04:00

So, the question is, What would you do?

For your entire life, you had a dream. A dream that many people said was stupid, silly, and pointless. But to you, felt like the only real thing in your life. Your dream got you through some terrible classes and some awful days. It allowed you to get through the years, feeling like you were aiming toward something. Something huge.

Again, What would you do?

What would you do if you finally got to a point where things seem to be falling into place, but EVERYTHING goes wrong? As an outsider, it's easy to say "keep your head up" or "it'll all work out" or every other cliche you tell someone as they are essentially fighting for their dream -- but feels like they are fighting for their life.

Here's the deal. I have worked and worked and tried and tried to get to today. And I did that. I can own that. (Anyone who says the journey IS the destination is just trying to prepare you for not actually reaching the destination...) I saved all my money by keeping my eye on the prize. (The prize being making a life for myself in NYC.) Time, and of course, money has run out. I've also regained 15-20 pounds since moving here, and thanks to a few injuries, I've lost the ability and motivation to work on that...but that is really not the point here...I have bigger worries and concerns.

But the journey of getting to this point isn't enough for me. I want the destination. I want a fabulous career in beauty and communications. I want to earn a living so that I may stay in NYC. I want my injuries to disappear so that I can resume what I was finally successful at last year -- losing weight. Is that too much to ask?

So what does one do? Where does one go? Who does one talk to about this stuff? It sounds petty to someone who knows they will get a paycheck. It sounds nutsy to even consider that homelessness could be a possibility. It seems ridiculous that education and experience (two things that I thought "no one could ever take away from you") were meaningless to people who could hire you.

I do consider myself super lucky in that I have people who believe in me and my dream, even when I've *basically* lost hope. The problem with that is that doesn't pay the rent. Or buy real groceries.

I know this is my space on the interwebs to talk about what I want, but the truth is, this isn't what I want to talk about. This sounds desperate and whiney. Two things I don't consider myself. I need to focus on what I can control. So, what would you do if you felt like there was nothing within your power? What would you do if your dream job seems as if it's at your fingertips, but you know in the back of your head that if it doesn't happen, then what? And what do you do when it just feels like your heart is breaking more and more each and every day?

These multiple questions are meant to be rhetorical, but for one last one, What would you if everything felt right -- that you were finally on your way to achieving a wonderful career of your dreams, but you were all out of money and thus, out of time? WWYD?

got old?

2010-07-23T00:32:00.003-04:00

At some point over the past few weeks, and I'm realizing this today. This evening. This very moment, actually. I got old.

Things that were important just a few months ago, aren't any more. Things I took for granted a year ago, I'm just realizing now. And it's this that is my wake up call that I'm not only an adult, but an old person. And by old person, I don't mean it's negative connotation that it tends to give. I mean, I'm learning more and more each day how little about life I know.

Simple things such as health, friendship, love, memories -- are things that make up life...things that make life worthwhile. And I won't begin to speak about how many of these things my life lacked over the years. It's too many and there isn't enough space in the interwebs for that. What I can speak to is how I'm evolving so much, that I recognize how little room I've made in my busy life for these things and how beautiful and important they are.

Most people my age feel like they've mastered these things. And I won't presume to think that I know better than them, but I don't think you can have a true understanding of the importance of these things unless you've been without the veil of illusion that you actually have them. What I mean, is because I've never felt like I had them in the past, I can see these simple things as more than a given.

Life is a choice. You can choose to live it any way you please. I choose not only to live mine with these simple things I've done without in the past, but also recognize the importance of the things that were oh, so important to me more recently. My circumstances are bound to change for the better and for the worse, I just hope that I can stay cognizant of them and grow with it. And that's how I will live my life without blah -- through true growth and vision as I grow older.

I Fell In Love With a Wonderful Woman

2010-07-08T00:16:00.002-04:00

At some point, I fell in love with this awesome woman last year. I'm not sure what day, month, or moment it happened, but it did. And it was truly awesome.

She was incredible. She was adventurous. She was trusting. She was loving. She was beautiful. She was learning what life meant to her. And then, my time in Japan ended. We stayed in touch for a while, but now, and only for now, it's over. I fought to keep the relationship together, but none of my efforts were rewarded.

Oh yeah, did I mention it was me?

This blog is meant to capture what life is like when you live it without giving in to all the blahs out there. But, that's not reality. There are a lot of blah moments. And for the time being, I'm in the middle of a huge one.

I'm trying to win that relationship with that incredible, adventurous, amazing woman I got to know last year back, but the reality of my situation has gotten in the way of that. I'm not big on excuses (something she taught me), but things are just not going in my favor. I'm not going to get into it all right here, right now - but I need some luck. Some really good luck. Just so I can get back in touch with her again. I miss her dearly.

My time and money (and thus, my motivation) is waning...and quickly. I came here to capture my dream and it's slipping through my fingers. My energy level is down and it's hard to have a decent relationship with anyone when you don't have the motivation and energy to deal with your day-to-day stuff.

I'm a good, hard-working person. I've got the education (and probably too much of it, which may be the problem). I've got the self-confidence in the work that I'm capable of doing. I've got the personality. I've even got the motivation and energy when I feel needed. But I don't feel that way. I've stepped away from my social network for the most part because without her around, I just don't feel like telling everyone that my relationship is over via social networking. (Although, I do recognize that's what I'm doing now.)

I know that I can get back in touch with her. I know that she is out there waiting on my call. I know that we will have a long-term relationship. I just need a few things to go my way (instead of the other way), so that I can build that relationship up again. It will take some fighting and some time - but I'm willing to do it. I just need a little luck (and a job) to lift my spirits and remind me why that relationship is so darn important again.

My New Mantra

2010-06-13T01:43:00.002-04:00

Even though I've been awake for too many hours, with too many thoughts running through my head today - this needs to be blogged. So here I am at nearly 2am and I just can't figure out this particular funk. I wasn't so naive to think that my "new life" in NYC would be peachy, but I just wasn't fully prepared for where I am today.

Perhaps if I had spent more than a year away from America, I could have fully grasped who I truly am and what I want out of life. Ah, but that isn't what happened, so I'm forcing myself to learn and grow within the great island of Manhattan. And daily, I learn more and more about this important topic.

While I was having a quite difficult time in Japan, I created a mantra. My mantra. Something to focus on, to help me through the really difficult times. I would read it. Repeat it. Stare at it. All until I felt a bit better. That simple mantra made all the difference in the world because it gave me focus. Since I arrived back in the States, I've been cruising around aimlessly. (Or so it feels.) So I'm editing my mantra into my new one.

Old mantra: Save money. Lose weight. Get to New York.

New mantra: Be frugal. Get healthy. Stay in New York.

I need to be frugal for obvious reasons. I need to have funds to survive. Yes, I want to have a good time in NYC - even without employment; however, I need to be realistic. It's so easy to drop $40-$60 on a simple dinner with a drink or two. And it's not like I do that often by any means, but I need to just be more mindful of all my spending. (Mostly so I can fulfill the third item in my mantra.)

Get healthy. Yeah, I changed it from lose weight to get healthy because losing the weight is still important to me, but being healthy both physically and mentally is the goal. Without my health, I have nothing. I want to be a healthy individual. I want to eat healthily, live healthily, and live healthily. Plain and simple.

More than anything in the world, I want to stay in New York. More than I don't want to return back to my hometown with my tail between my legs - but because I feel right here. I feel like I've finally made it to my HOMEtown. Where I belong. Where everyone knows my name. Well - not quite, but it does feel right. All my efforts need to be focused on that.

I feel like if I can keep my mantra at the forefront of my mind - I will be successful. Keeping your eye on the prize is important. If you don't know where you are going, how will you know if you get there? Although these "goals" aren't SMART (simple, measurable, achievable, realistic, on a time frame), they are good goals for me to have.

I would consider myself successful with my goals in Japan. I saved *a considerable amount of* money. (Which is quickly depleting as anyone would guess living in the most expensive city in the world.) I lost *a considerable amount of* weight. (Over 40 pounds baby!) And I got myself to New York. Done.

So, if it worked once, it should work again. With my new mantra, I feel like I have a focus, a plan, a goal. Something to work toward. I need that and I think it will make all the difference in the world. Again.

I Have a Secret

2010-06-02T00:24:00.002-04:00

There are many things I'm pretty open with. This is not one of those things. It's my secret and I'm about to let the cat out of the bag.

Ready for it?! Here it goes...

I want to fall in love.

Ok, not life altering (or shattering - ha!), but for me, it's quite huge. I've secretly wanted this for a long time - but without the opportunity, it seems fruitless to even mention.

So many people I've come across in my lifetime (keep in mind I am technically from the south), dream of being married and having kids. And not only that...being content doing so. I'm not saying I don't want those things (although I have said that in the past), but that was never me. And even today, I'm not sure that it is. I'm talking in circles because again, without the opportunity, it seems rather pointless to discuss.

And I've probably been watching too many romantic comedies. (Being unemployed and on a budget will require you to recycle through your DVD collection and what arrives at the library each week, FYI.) But I do. I want it. I want the romance. I want the intimacy. I want it all.

So my secret is out for the world to see. (The world, or my 6 followers - either way!) I've hesitated putting these words out into the world simply because of my desire to be different, but as I need to be truthful with myself and not apologize for a thing, it needs to be said. I want someone to want me. All of me. The good. The bad. And the crazy. I mean...uh...the ugly. Whatev.

And more than that, I feel like I deserve it.

But is the reality of love what I've seen on television or in the movies, as this is my only "reality" into the world of love. It's all I know. I didn't grow up seeing a lot of it, especially in it's romantic form. And I certainly didn't have it myself.

And another secret, I didn't start using the word "love" until the past year. It may have slipped a few times, but I didn't mean it if the words came out. But I only use it if I mean it now. For reals. (And I use it more often than I even expect.)

So, I wonder, does it ever truly happen or do people just decide they are getting older and should settle down? And can you find it? Cause I've wanted it for a long time, although this may be a first for the world to know, but I have. And I have never received. Hmmm.

It's probably too late for me to be pondering these kinds of questions, but after watching the umpteenth romantic movie (tonight was You've Got Mail) - I felt compelled to rid myself of this secret. Because now, it's no longer a secret - it's actuality.

I can't run from it because it's "out there." I must admit I feel kinda silly writing this, but at the same time, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Probably because I've wanted to tell my secret - shout it from the rooftop even - but never had the strength to admit how conventional my secret really is. How weird and scary is that?!

But there it is. My secret. My reality. My actuality.

I no longer have a secret.

Not Everyone is AB

2010-05-27T00:06:00.003-04:00

It took a weird interaction with a woman (who is clearly not living an anti-blah life) to get me to write a much needed entry. And to also come to terms with the fact that not everyone is anti-blah.

Factoid of the day: sometimes people need to push their own beliefs or thoughts onto others because they aren't really buying what they are saying. Or they aren't really living that way. Or because it makes them feel better to put others down. In any form or fashion - these people are not living an anti-blah life. Which makes me oh so very glad that I am. And so very sad for them because they are not.

When you are truly anti-blah, you come to two really awesome realizations. Number 1 - you can recognize and appreciate other ABers (who try to bring people up, not push them down). And number 2 - you don't have to apologize about what you do, think, or believe.

I am so ridiculously lucky to have met some fabulous people who are (whether they realize it or not), living an anti-blah life - especially during this challenging time in my life. I've thrown myself into this awkward situation. (FYI, I wouldn't have it any other way.) And some of the people I've met (or gotten back in touch with) while on this journey are unbelievable. They live their lives so AB, it's not even funny. And, the true measure of how AB they actually are, is the fact that they have done nothing but go out of their way to be good, kind people. And by go out of their way, I mean go above and beyond. They inspire me to be a better, kinder person. I cannot wait until I am in a situation where I can actually do some of the same things for others.

I do try to bring people up as much as I can, partially because I can't help it. I don't understand people who need to push others down to make themselves feel better. I just don't get it. I cannot do much, but I try to remain positive and meet as many people as possible. You never know what kind of impact you may have on someone else. Just as those people I speak of may not realize the impact they are having on me.

The second thing that is so freakin' cool about living anti-blah (aside from recognizing awesomeness in others) is the fact that when you are really anti-blah, you answer to no one but yourself. You don't have to explain yourself at all. You speak up when needed, but you also don't feel the need to have others believe what you believe to make yourself feel better. It's just so cool.

One of the things that I'm so glad I don't have to apologize for is cutting people out of my life. Sounds harsh, huh? Well, I'm not talking about just anyone. (I have a heart, yo.) I'm talking about those toxic people. The ones that drain all of your energy, and frankly, your AB-self. I've cut a few of those people out (or reduced contact) and I'm happy that I have. Because you know what? That made room for some awesome people! And the very best part of it all...

I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF! Yay!!!

If you are a good kind-hearted person that is not putting others down in order to feel better about yourself, no worries! (Not that you were. I'm just sayin'.) I always have room for AB people. ALWAYS. But I don't have room for negativity. NONE.

I have a personal anthem. Lame, right? Eh. I don't think so. It's "Survivor" by Destiny's Child, circa 2001. (Wow! A decade old. Sheesh!) It sounds weird, but it is my anthem. I listen to it often. Sometimes the words will hit me on one of those days and right on the treadmill/elliptical/my desk - I will cry. Not sad tears, but happy ones. Because you know what? I am a survivor. Of many things. (I will not go into here, but just know, I am a survivor.) My reason for mentioning my anthem is because there is a line that I've decided to live my life by:

If I surround myself with positive things, I'll gain prosperity.

True story. This is how I live my life. And, those positive things include positive people. I'm not pretending that everyday is sunshine and rainbows. But, if I am positive and the people I choose to be around are positive, how could I not gain prosperity?!

It does break my heart to think that others haven't realized that being good and surrounding themselves with the positive is actually a better way to live. Luckily, I will continue my anti-blah life and hopefully someone I cross paths with that isn't AB might realize what a wonderful way of life it actually is.

A Week and Half of Anti-Blah

2010-05-09T20:03:00.005-04:00

The majority of the anti-blah activities that I participated in the past week and a half related to fitness of some sort. And I'm way ok with that. Since I enjoy working out and getting healthy - it's only fitting!

I started May off right by taking an interesting fitness class entitled BOING with Kangoo at my gym. (Based on the name only, how you could not want to try this class out?!) So this class is based around the footwear that you put on when you do this dance class...Kangoo Jumps. Yeah, the name is similar to kangaroo and with good reason. It's a boot that is cross between a rollerblade and a trampoline.

Whew! The idea behind these nutsy looking things is that it takes the pressure off your joints as you move. Plus, because it's unstable, it makes you utilize your core much more. Well, as the instructor walked into the class, he informed us that we would be moving the class outdoors because it was such a beautiful day. BUT, because there was a rally going on in Union Square, we were going to have to run downtown to Washington Square Park. Wearing the booty-things. Yeah. I could've backed out, but what's anti-blah about that?! Nada. Which is why I kept on trucking! We ran down there. Did a workout surrounded by onlookers (both kind and not so much) and amateur photographers and videographers. Yeah. Then came back. Oy. But so AB, it's not even funny.

I also took two personal training sessions with a personal trainer. Luckily those two were included with my initial gym membership. I worked super hard, but I did enjoy it a lot.

Then came Saturday! Ok, so here is the back story. As a former South Carolinian, I have always been envious of those in big cities because they get to do all the cool stuff. They get neato opportunities that you just don't get elsewhere. So, the week I moved to NYC, I found out there would be SELF Magazine's Workout in the Park! This is one of those neato events I would always think about doing when I got to the big city. So I signed myself right up! I figured it would be an awesome opportunity to do something healthy and hopefully meet some nice people.

Then came along a fellow blogger Kristine, Shape Up in the City! I reached out to Kristine when I first got to the city because I was looking for a gym to join. She had done some great gym reviews that were super helpful! She told me she was meeting some other bloggers at the Workout in the Park and that I should come and join too...and since I was planning on going anyways...it was a great chance to meet some great people. So, being my anti-blah self, I went and I met! I met Kristine of course, but I also met Angela, Mari, Missy, Julie, Mo, and Melissa!

L to R: Julie, myself, Kristine, Angela, Mo, Mari, and Missy.

We tried to go into the rebounding area, but were turned away because they had already reached capacity as we were walking up! (Which is totally a good thing! I'm so glad they were able to reach so many women with this event!) Because there were so many people, we decided to split up a bit and do our own thing. I went to just about all the booths available. I checked out some Reebok Easy Tone shoes (that I'm totally thinking about investing in!) along with SoyJoy, SoyMilk, iVillage, CancerandCareers.org, and many others. The main workout area was pretty full and Kristine presented me with an opportunity...try out Core Fusion. I'd never heard of it before, but I figured...why not?

Kristine, Angela, and I walked from the location down to Kristine's neighborhood then caught a subway down to SoHo. (I'm in dire need of increasing my walking speed, fyi!) We went to this quaint studio called Exhale where we had to remove our shoes for the class. I was given plenty of warning that this was going to be tough, but I went in with an open mind. My tools were in front of me: a set of 2 pound weights and a belt similar to one that I used to wear when I took karate. The wonderful instructor was as sweet and kind as could be as she took us through the various exercises. You simply use your body weight, focus on your core, and connect your mind and body. Not my usual pace considering I love me some cardio. That being said: Core Fusion is not a joke. I've never felt sore like this before. All without heavy weights, tough personal trainers, perfuse sweating, or sneakers for crying outloud! Then, we ate brunch at this cute place in SoHo. What a fun day!

And to wrap up a full week and a half of being anti-blah, I took myself to the only NY public library that seemed to be open on Sundays. I walked up enjoying the breezy weather, spent upwards of 2 hours in the 'brary and enjoyed the walk back. I really liked being in a library, as crazy as that sounds. That's always been my sanctuary. As a child I loved to read. When I was old enough to, I used to volunteer a my local public library for fun. (Yeah, I'm cool like that. Don't judge.) Then, in high school, I constantly went to The Citadel's library to do research for my thesis. And it of course didn't stop as I went through undergraduate and graduate school either. But this is the first time in a very long time that I was looking for nothing in particular. I was just enjoying time with myself, being around fellow New Yorkers, enjoying where their tax dollars are going. (***THEIR will become OUR when I find THE job!) I decided on two books and two movies. But, I thought, I don't really have anywhere to be, so I read over one of the books and left it there.

This was the most AB I've been in a really long time. I hope that I can continue to use that sentence as I move throughout my life because anti-blah really is the only way to really live.

Friday Night Recharge

2010-05-01T11:58:00.002-04:00

The month of April has come to an end. The visiting countless wonderful people is finished. The move to New York is done. The readjustment back to American life is pretty much concluded.

I'm almost feeling normal again! I'm attempting to get back into my healthier way of life. I joined the gym. I'm trying to be more conscious of my nutritional needs. I'm drinking more water. I'm moving more. I'm mentally, back in the game. April is over and I ended it the best way I knew how...I recharged.

The past 5ish weeks have involved a lot of change. And for those who don't change much, it's no wonder. It's exhausting! That being said, if things don't change, they never change. Silly, but true. If you want things to change for the better, then you have to change things up. You don't have to go so far as to pick up and move overseas, then move to The Big Apple, but change is necessary for improvements to take place.

As a perpetual over-achiever, my changes have to be big, loud, and proud. And that had drained all the energy out of me. Then, from lack of energy, I wasn't following my normal healthy routine. Then, out of nowhere, this past week I got my second-wind if you will. I feel great. Exhausted still, but truly happy.

Last night, I just wasn't up for hitting the town or whatever I thought I wanted to do last night. I don't have many friends here in the city, but that wouldn't stop me. I'm used to doing EVERYTHING by myself (live a year in a foreign country...that'd do it!), I just needed to recharge. And, I listened to my body and mind, and did just that. I talked to the BFF and laughed a lot! I took a trip to the grocery store for some "snacks." (Although, sushi shouldn't really count as a snack, but whatev.) I watched a chick-flick. It was what I needed as I moved into the next month.

This recharge was really what I needed. I had lots of alone time to reflect on me, my life, my chosen career path, my friendships, etc. Yeah, I guess one might look at it as say, "THAT is what you did on a Friday night in New York?!" And yeah, that's right. That's what I did. Because that's what I needed to do. My Friday night recharge is going to get me into May - my first real month up here.

I needed the recharge more than a night out. Now that's anti-blah.

Yes. It's that simple.

2010-04-28T21:27:00.002-04:00

So, clearly I was in a funk. And to be frank, I might still be in it, but only a little. Today I did something SUPER anti-blah and I got myself up, dressed, put on my face, took a walk to the gym, and joined! THE. BEST. DECISION. EVER.

I like working out. I like sweating. I like group fitness classes. I like being healthy. I like losing the excess weight. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, if I like all these things, and I'm not happy...how about fix it?! And so I did. Now, it isn't easy when you are in a funk to get your arse dressed, get out the door, and all that jazz...but after a good night last night, I made the decision that that was going to be my big goal for the day. Annnnnnnnnnnnd...DONE!

I joined a great gym with LOTS of group fitness classes (which I adore) and I'm so excited. Now, I have somewhere to go during the day! Yay! I'm planning everything I'm doing tomorrow around a class that I want to try. (And will continue to do so daily!) This is adding value to my life/experience here even though it's a financial "burden" if you will.

Sometimes the greater the risk, the greater the reward. In this case, the financial risk may be high, but that gets me up and moving, meeting people, doing something positive for myself which adds to my motivation to make it here. Yeah, you could say the reward is quite great.

Moral of the story? Do healthy things that make you happy. That will get you out of your funk faster than a tub of ice cream. Seriously. And yes. It's that simple.

Lonely, But Different

2010-04-26T18:04:00.001-04:00

When I was in Japan, I had many moments of loneliness that I can remember. I can remember how upset it made me. Some people call it homesickness. Me, meh. I mean I guess that's what it is, but that implies that you miss home. But really, it was frustration with my current situation and loneliness, if you ask me.

I'm experiencing a bout of this now. I've been rundown and exhausted and now it's time for me to get myself moving again. But the nasty weather outside doesn't help that pursuit. I stay in my room all day (I say this as if it's something I've done forever and in reality, it's basically been a week) and only leave to go to the dining hall, where I eat my meals very slowly and very alone. I enjoy being around other people, but I also like my alone time. I just haven't found the right balance of the two yet.

There are a few things going on with me that have probably helped in getting me to this point. This time around though, it's different. First of all, my problems are more complex because I'm not just worried about myself anymore. With having contact with my people in my life, I now worry/think about them. Much more than when I was in Japan. (Out of sight, out of mind.) This isn't a bad thing as I like having these people in my life, but it just adds to everything. Another thing that is different is that here, it should be easier, right? Japan, I had the whole language barrier thing. Plus I was in a tiny town with barely any foreigners. Here, I'm in this gigantic city full of English speakers. Yet, I feel alone. Not easier.

I know this will pass. Perhaps when the sun decides to take over and make the gloomy rain go away. Perhaps when my life has some purpose to it. (People in it, places to go, etc.) And probably when some issues are no longer in the forefront of my mind. It's so tough, but I know it's so worth it. The Japan experience taught me that much. But this time, it's different. Now, it's not just a year that has to pass for the next exciting thing to come...now, it's my dream...and this is it. I can't mess this up. That's a lot of pressure to add to situation such as this. And I put that pressure there. I know. But it really will be worth it. As they say, this too shall pass. I just hope it passes soon.

What's my deal?! (duplicate entry)

2010-04-26T00:40:00.000-04:00

I wrote the entry below in my healthy living blog, but it really belongs in here too. Part of really living my life the way I want is to focus on doing things that make me happy. Getting healthy and losing weight is something that makes me happy. Thus, this entry truly belongs here.

Ok, so I've been going through a lot of changes in my life over the past few months. Like, a LOT. I need to cut myself some slack because of it; however, I reviewed my weight pattern and I've been hovering the same weight since DECEMBER! WTF?!

So all the changes. First I'll go there. Not to make excuses, but to get a full understanding of the circumstances. January. Johnny left Japan. Most of the boozing occurred with him around. When he left at the end of the month, I was really sad, but also realized some big changes were about to occur because of his departure. February. I quit smoking. I started talking to a fella from my past on a daily basis. I started to prepare for my departure from Japan. That's a lot for the shortest month of the year. I mean, for real. March. I had to clean my apartment in Japan. (Ya'll I'm a clean person and I'm all about a clean house, but these people had me cleaning until 4am every day and it still wasn't as clean as they would've liked. Geez.) I moved into a hotel. I had to train the incoming teacher. I had to say a bazillion goodbyes. I cried a lot. I moved back to America. I did a 10K race. Whew. And I was sick when I got back to America. Both in my head and chest, and in my tummy. April. I traveled a lot: my hometown to my former town to my hometown to Texas to my hometown to NC to my hometown to NYC. All this in the course of 2.5 weeks. Yeah.

So I've been in NYC for a week now. I feel frickin lazy. I want to believe that it's ok for me to catch up on sleep and rest and all that jazz, but I feel so flippin lazy and gross. I did workout twice this week, which was crazy considering how I've felt, but I still managed to gain 2 pounds. I'm eating pretty healthily for the most part. My building's food is pretty decent and I eat lots of fruit & veggies. (Although I ate TERRIBLY today.) That being said, I'm still trying to figure out how to get 3+ meals out of 2 (that I'm allowed to have; that's included in my rent) and counting calories is next to impossible. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to figure out a good workout option for myself since I need to have a good reason to get out of the building since I'm so sedentary here. Gyms seem like good options, but do you know how many gyms are in NYC?! Holy moley! I think I'm going to test run a few of them out with free guest passes and then make an informed decision. All this is on the forefront of my racing mind.

Oh yeah, I'm also trying to find a job. Crap.

It's not a case of the blah's.

2010-04-25T17:26:00.000-04:00

As my first week in NYC comes to an end, I couldn't help but feel like a phony. I felt like I had created this blog with the best of intentions, but in fact, I wasn't living my life truly anti-blah. This whole week, I've actually felt like I've lived my life blah-ful. In hindsight, I see that was a blah way of thought, but I am living my life anti-blah. (Get that? Yeah, that's what my head has been doing all week.)

Reflecting on the week, I thought the only productive thing that I had actually done was create this blog. While, that was a productive thing to do, it was in no way, shape, or form, the ONLY productive thing that I completed. These are some things that I did that were productive:

- created this blog
- unpacked
- made this place more of a home
- got over my fear of taking the subway by myself at night
- walked the streets of NYC as if I owned this place (confidence is a must here)
- met with my contact/pen pal that I've been communicating with for 1.5 years
- hung out with my local alumni club
- bought my first little black dress
- went to a fundraising gala to raise money for kids in Uganda
- met a few women in my field of interest
- chatted with a friend I hadn't spoken actual words with in years
- walked around downtown and explored
- watched a basketball game on 4th Street (supposedly the best street ball around)
- met and hung out with some interesting people
- job hunted
- went to the grocery store a couple of times
- rested
- ate balanced meals
- worked out twice
- researched local gyms
- signed up to attend an event in few weeks in Central Park

This list is not exhaustive or meant to serve much purpose except to show that although I felt pretty lazy (i.e. blah) because I did spend a LOT of time in my room, I did do quite a bit. I have to admit too, I had forgotten a lot of these things until now. It's a wonderful thing to remember the good that we do. To really live life anti-blah, you have to remember that stuff...the good stuff. It's too easy to remember the "bad" things we do. (i.e. eating foods that aren't good for us, drinking too much booze, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, not working out enough, blah, blah, blah.)

I really needed a reminder that even though this week was pretty uneventful, I'm still living my life ant-blah. Just low-key for right now! And, that's absolutely ok. I needed the rest. I've been go-go-go for how long now? Too freaking long. So, resting a lot is what my body needed. And I listened! How anti-blah is that?! Very.

Instead of focusing on what I could have done this past week, I am going to focus on what I can and will do this upcoming week. I can't change the past, so why dwell on it? I do have control over how my second week goes...so that's where my energy will go.

My Humble Abode (Literally)

2010-04-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

An examination of my new home. In pictures. Enjoy!

The view of downtown from my room!

When you walk in, this is what you see...

From the window (or the head of the bed), this is what you see...

My big closet!

My small closet. (I get two!)

Looking in the bathroom from the room.

The sink and tub.

The toilet and scale.

Ok, I am perfectly content with what I got. Yes, it's small. (Humble, if you will.) But it's perfect for me. I heart my new home! Yay!!!

Anti-Blah Defined

2010-04-20T18:46:00.000-04:00

So what is Anti-Blah and how do I get it? Well, living a life that is anti-blah isn't easy...yet at the same time, it's the easiest thing to do.

Being anti-blah about something is simply making the most of any situation. Perhaps our gut instinct is to get blah on something if it doesn't quite go as planned. For example, yesterday when the train people told me my luggage wasn't to be found, one reaction (the blah one) was to scream and yell about how I just arrived in NYC, on my own, and the one piece of luggage with all my clothing and shower stuff is GONE?! But, I reacted in an anti-blah way: I giggled, said "of course" under my breath - to myself, and told the guys that it actually works out for the best. This way, it would be delivered to me at my new place and it made the taxi ride/moving in, that much more pleasant because I didn't have as much stuff.

Now, per the example, I made the best of the situation. That, to me, is living life anti-blah.

The other part about living a life that is anti-blah is taking control. I want a life to be proud of. I want to do what I want to do. I want to go where I want to go. I want to hang with other people who are all about the anti-blah. So, I took control of my life (which was always "mine" but never seemed that way), and ran with it. I was actually living a life that was anti-blah for a while, I just didn't realize it...and thus, wasn't living it completely anti-blah. I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do, and I'm loving it. That's how life should be.

How do I get it? Hmmm, first of all, if you want it then the hard work is over. Read it: THE HARD WORK IS OVER. Now you just have to realize that the power is in your hands. You can live a life that is yours, that you created, today. You just have to really force yourself out of your old way of thinking. (I had to move to Japan to do this, but I do realize this may not be an option for everyone. Do what works for you.)

Now, I do get the case of the blah's from time to time (I am human last time I checked), but I am sure to try to snap myself out of it as quickly as possible. That's another thing. The blah way of thinking would be to beat myself up for "giving up" this new way of thinking. The anti-blah way is to say shit happens and move on. On to an anti-blah way of thinking.

The moral of the story? Living life anti-blah is not easy because you are fighting against years of blah-thinking; however, living life anti-blah is so worth it and I deserve it. Boom.

Mission: Go Big or Go Home

2010-04-20T14:36:00.001-04:00

As the title of this blog goes, I'm living my life Anti-Blah. This is my mission. And it is to go big. But, if I don't go big, I'll have to go home. For me, that is not an option. This is my life and I'm living it Anti-Blah.

Yesterday, I arrived in New York City after taking a train all the way up the East Coast to find the world at my finger tips? No. To find the bag that I pack all of my clothing in, gone? Yes. (Luckily, it was delivered to me in a relatively timely manner, so I don't have to walk around nude. I say luckily for the millions of New Yorkers.) However, it was a blessing in disguise. I only have 2 hands, but 3 pieces of luggage. I actually was glad and now that I have my last bag, I'm really thrilled.

I checked in to my new home and was pleasantly surprised. It was what I expected, only better. The place is small, but come on. I just spent the past year in Japan. (See: Layla's Asian Adventure) And although this place is smaller than the one in Japan, the bathroom is bigger. I'm a lady. This is an important thing.

I'm so glad that I've finally made it. On my own. I picked up my whole world and shook it. I moved myself to Japan. I worked a job that I didn't care for. (Ha!) I saved the money. *I* found this place to live. (Actually, I found the place that someone else graciously checked out for me that wouldn't take me because I don't have a job and she told me about this place. But I followed through.) I picked up my whole world and shook it again. I took the stupid train for hours and hours (nearly 14...ugh). I dealt with the wonderful baggage handlers at Penn Station. I got a taxi. I checked in to my new place. And I will also find a job.

This is my mission. I'm going big.