I Have a Secret

There are many things I'm pretty open with. This is not one of those things. It's my secret and I'm about to let the cat out of the bag.

Ready for it?! Here it goes...

I want to fall in love.

Ok, not life altering (or shattering - ha!), but for me, it's quite huge. I've secretly wanted this for a long time - but without the opportunity, it seems fruitless to even mention.

So many people I've come across in my lifetime (keep in mind I am technically from the south), dream of being married and having kids. And not only that...being content doing so. I'm not saying I don't want those things (although I have said that in the past), but that was never me. And even today, I'm not sure that it is. I'm talking in circles because again, without the opportunity, it seems rather pointless to discuss.

And I've probably been watching too many romantic comedies. (Being unemployed and on a budget will require you to recycle through your DVD collection and what arrives at the library each week, FYI.) But I do. I want it. I want the romance. I want the intimacy. I want it all.

So my secret is out for the world to see. (The world, or my 6 followers - either way!) I've hesitated putting these words out into the world simply because of my desire to be different, but as I need to be truthful with myself and not apologize for a thing, it needs to be said. I want someone to want me. All of me. The good. The bad. And the crazy. I mean...uh...the ugly. Whatev.

And more than that, I feel like I deserve it.

But is the reality of love what I've seen on television or in the movies, as this is my only "reality" into the world of love. It's all I know. I didn't grow up seeing a lot of it, especially in it's romantic form. And I certainly didn't have it myself.

And another secret, I didn't start using the word "love" until the past year. It may have slipped a few times, but I didn't mean it if the words came out. But I only use it if I mean it now. For reals. (And I use it more often than I even expect.)

So, I wonder, does it ever truly happen or do people just decide they are getting older and should settle down? And can you find it? Cause I've wanted it for a long time, although this may be a first for the world to know, but I have. And I have never received. Hmmm.

It's probably too late for me to be pondering these kinds of questions, but after watching the umpteenth romantic movie (tonight was You've Got Mail) - I felt compelled to rid myself of this secret. Because now, it's no longer a secret - it's actuality.

I can't run from it because it's "out there." I must admit I feel kinda silly writing this, but at the same time, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Probably because I've wanted to tell my secret - shout it from the rooftop even - but never had the strength to admit how conventional my secret really is. How weird and scary is that?!

But there it is. My secret. My reality. My actuality.

I no longer have a secret.