Lonely, But Different

When I was in Japan, I had many moments of loneliness that I can remember. I can remember how upset it made me. Some people call it homesickness. Me, meh. I mean I guess that's what it is, but that implies that you miss home. But really, it was frustration with my current situation and loneliness, if you ask me.

I'm experiencing a bout of this now. I've been rundown and exhausted and now it's time for me to get myself moving again. But the nasty weather outside doesn't help that pursuit. I stay in my room all day (I say this as if it's something I've done forever and in reality, it's basically been a week) and only leave to go to the dining hall, where I eat my meals very slowly and very alone. I enjoy being around other people, but I also like my alone time. I just haven't found the right balance of the two yet.

There are a few things going on with me that have probably helped in getting me to this point. This time around though, it's different. First of all, my problems are more complex because I'm not just worried about myself anymore. With having contact with my people in my life, I now worry/think about them. Much more than when I was in Japan. (Out of sight, out of mind.) This isn't a bad thing as I like having these people in my life, but it just adds to everything. Another thing that is different is that here, it should be easier, right? Japan, I had the whole language barrier thing. Plus I was in a tiny town with barely any foreigners. Here, I'm in this gigantic city full of English speakers. Yet, I feel alone. Not easier.

I know this will pass. Perhaps when the sun decides to take over and make the gloomy rain go away. Perhaps when my life has some purpose to it. (People in it, places to go, etc.) And probably when some issues are no longer in the forefront of my mind. It's so tough, but I know it's so worth it. The Japan experience taught me that much. But this time, it's different. Now, it's not just a year that has to pass for the next exciting thing to come...now, it's my dream...and this is it. I can't mess this up. That's a lot of pressure to add to situation such as this. And I put that pressure there. I know. But it really will be worth it. As they say, this too shall pass. I just hope it passes soon.